See that fella over there? Dresses nice, don’t he?

He’s well off, too, I tell ya’. I seen what he drives. One of ‘dem Mer-say-dees with dark glass all around, like he was tryin’ to hide somethin’.

Stands up straight when he walks, too, like he’s surveying the world. There he goes.

Lost a son ‘bout four years ago. He and his wife jus’ come home and found him. No note or nuthin’. Sixteen years old! Now what made a boy do that? His old man has some long nights, they say. Wouldn’t know it, lookin’ at him, would ya’? Naw sir, he looks on top of da’ world.

Now this gal prancin’ along here (don’t stare, it ain’t nice). You think that’s her hair? Naw sir, not one strand.

Say it all come out in ‘bout one day and she shaved the rest. That chemo’s strong, I tell ya’. Been two years now. Looks nice, don’t she? You’d never know.

Say she can’t eat for two days before ‘dem checkups. You’d never know, I tell ya’. “How do, Mrs. Lily.” Nice smile, don’t you think? How she get ‘dem teeth so white?

My goodness, here comes Edna. Don’t say nuthin,’ or we’ll be here all day. She can talk the spots off a leopard. Jus’ don’t know when to stop. She been tryin’ to have kids for 12 years now. Twelve years!

Watchin’ Flo and Stella — they’s her sisters, you know — drop youngun’s like there’s no tomorrow and she can’t get nuthin’ to work. Been to them ‘tility clinics and all.

Jus’ soon thrown her money in the river, if you ask me. If she’s spose’ to had ‘em, she’d a had ‘em. Bet she’s pushin’ 35. Maybe 40. Agin’ well, don’t ya think? Jus’ never know, I tell ya’.

Da’ outside, it don’t tell ya’ nuthin. Why, it can be smooth as a baby’s behind. Might look good and smell good and strut around like a rooster in a tuxedo.

Don’t matter, ‘cause usually — and I been ‘round awhile — there’s turbulence underneath, a clawin’ and a spewin’ and a eatin’ away like a stray hound dog. Ain’t seen one yet ‘dat didn’t have somethin’ goin’ on down there.

You jus’ never know, I tell ya’. You never know.

Rex Alphin is a farmer, businessman and contributing columnist for The Tidewater News. His email address is rexalphin@aol.com.