“What was I thinking? What an idiot! I am nothing. I am worst than nothing. Wish I could dig a hole, crawl in and bury myself. How can anyone have been so stupid! To have lived this long and act in such a pitiful, ridiculous manner. It’s horrible!

From this point forward, life will be downhill, dreadful, repulsive. Yes, that’s the word — repulsive! How do I go on living? And what other horrendous acts does the future hold for me? In what way will I fail— once again — tomorrow? Or next week? Or next month? Will I relive this memory again? And again? And again? I sense no hope, no escape from this ominous journey through such a prison of despair.

Were I a worm I would burrow deep, let the soil envelop me and escape this misery. Oh, to be but a worm! A lowly, trodden down creature that revels in his anonymity and concerns himself only with his next meal! Who needs only soil and is content with that!

What I would give to escape this mortal body, to flee this decrepit condition that shreds my soul like paper and renders my spirit impotent. I am nothing, I tell you. Why, worst than nothing!

Oh, to sleep! Be calm, soul…… relax……breathe deeply……push thoughts aside……think of nothing……content yourself……think of the stillness……a warm bed……the silence…………………….What was I thinking! What an idiot! I am nothing. I am worst than nothing. How stupid of me! How utterly stupid!

Wish memory were but an appendage to be hacked off and cast aside! The past! The painful past! Where may I flee? Wretched man, I am! How could I? Miserable specimen of the human race! Poor excuse for a living being!

Dread sucks me down to the abyss, the cesspool of failure, where I wallow in disappointment. How can I possibly go on!”

Then the sun rises. And everything changes.

REX ALPHIN of Walters is a farmer, businessman, author, county supervisor and contributing columnist for The Tidewater News. His email address is rexalphin@aol.com.